Kross This Konnection.....

There're some films which make you think.

Kismet Konnection is one of them.

It makes you think what the bloody hell you're doing watching it....

It's not as if the story sucks or the actors fail, no way. It's just that this film's been caught in a tremendous time-warp. It's a 90's film being made in the 2000's. There's no possible way that it could work.

If you're thinking there'll be a few redeeming factors at least, you're in for a huge disappointment.

Again, I'll be clear when I say that there's nothing wrong with the film, per se. It's just the timing that's wrong. If Kismet Konnection had been made on the heels of Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman ('94) or even Yes Boss ('97), it would surely've been a super blockbuster. Of course, Shahid Kapur would still be a back-up dancer in Shiamak Davar's dancing troupe and Vidya Balan could well still've been a teacher, but, hey, what's Shah Rukh there for, eh?

Speaking of SRK, the Kingh Khan does a snazzy intro for the movie. I must clarify here that I'm a super-huge SRK fan and hearing his voice right in the beginning made me sit up and smile. That, of course, lasted for barely a minute, as you'll soon find out.

It's not surprising that nobody beyond India takes Bollywood seriously. I mean, sure, we love our whole song and dance routine, our Bollywood tracks are the only chartbusters we actually know or hear, and our music directors are legends in the world of music (some, like Panchamda and A.R. Rahman, deservedly so...among others, of course). But the whole fiasco begins when the damned POINT of a song becomes unclear.

Case in point: Shahid Kapur asks Vidya Balan out for coffee. Cut to the next scene: Shahid Kapur dancing a la Justin Timberlake in Aye Pappi. Though the song rocks (as does the choreography), you just can't help wondering whatever happened to the damned coffee....? (Did they drink the coffee and then come to the club? Were they talking about Irish Coffee to begin with? Did they order the coffee and forget about it? If so, why would they.....and so on and so forth).

And that's the case with every song. Vidya agrees to spend the day with Shahid after much pooh-ing and pouting (on Shahid's part, by the way. Weird, yes, I know) and the next thing you know, Shahid's crooning "Bakhuda" on the streets of some godly place in Canada. And then we question Xenophobia....

In the acting department, Shahid Kapur delivers a performance that can be described as "ok", at best. He isn't bad, I guess, but his Raj Malhotra in Kismet Konnection isn't a patch on the Aditya he portrayed in Jab We Met.

Which brings me to another point (before I review Vidya Balan).

Comparisons to Jab We Met will be inevitable. Justifiably so. I mean, why not? It's Shahid first release after JWM and the one that's being touted as a make or break movie for him (though I very much doubt this'll pull him down in anyway. The girls in some halls were busy whistling, letching, ooh-ing and aah-ing at him, I'm told). Oh, and he's supposed to be seeing Vidya Balan off-screen, too, along with Sania Mirza. (Quite a player, the guy. But that ain't any of my concern).

But just in case you do go and watch Kismet Konnection, I'd implore you to go without expectations. That way, you might even enjoy the movie because, all in all, it isn't horrible. If you don't compare Aditya to Raj and just go for the Shahid konnection (oops, connection, I meant), you'll see that the boy ain't half bad and that he'll go a long way if he chooses his movies better.

On to Vidya Balan.

She can't dress. She just can't. Whatever she may say in public ("I don't care what people say, I am who I am and I'm happy the way I dress", "It used to hurt, now it doesn't"), well, she should know that she's got NO style in her. It's very easy to blame the costume designer for failing to make her look good, and I'm sure that's what a majority of you'll do, but come on. Doesn't she have a say on what might look good on her and what'll make her look like an oversized racoon, escpecially in long-shots?

I have no idea WHY she hasn't lost weight yet, despite coming under fire time and again. She's someone who debuted with a truckload of promise and potential but so far, apart from the fluke Bhool Bhulaiyya (fluke in the sense that she got signed for it. As far as I rememember, she wasn't Priyadarshan's first choice. The film rocked), she hasn't lived up to either: she was horrible in Heyy Babyy, she was lacklustre in Lage Raho Munnabhai and she's plain old and fat in Kismet Konnection. Speak up, Vidya, it's in your DNA...

Of the supporting cast, Vishal Malhotra as Shahid's panicky best friend serves his purpose well, I guess. Only problem is, he isn't any different from how he acted in Kaal or Salaam-e-Ishq (surprise, surprise, he was a "best friend" in both of those, as well. At least he's carved a niche for himself). He was infinitely better in Kunal Deshmukh's rollercoaster hit Jannat because he had a meaty role and he had his heart in the right place. Here, he acts as if he's in desperate need of the money.

Vidya Balan's fiancee, whatever his name is, is a good example of bad acting. Enough said.

The old people at the nursing home Vidya runs are just plain irritating. Again, enough said.

Om Puri should be banned from cinema and be made to watch his own films from the past (starting with Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron). Maybe then he'll learn that he's become a washed-up-has-been. Unless he reinvents himself, and fast, nothing can be done to revive his sagging career (though Priyadarshan might do an RGV and swear to cast him till he becomes a hit again. In that case, Priyadarshan himself could do with some solitary confinement). I'm guessing we're gonna see a bit more of Om Puri make a fool of himself in the upcoming Singh Is Kinng, so I'm not very hopeful.

Boman Irani, surprisingly, is effective in the four or five scenes he was paid for. A marked improvement over the jackass of a role he had in Love Story 2050.

A note about director Aziz Mirza. He's good, he's still got his touch, but I just wish he'd get in touch with today's reality. I still respect him, I still adore him as the man who made Yes Boss, one of my all-time favourite movies. Sir, just stick to SRK, will you?

Whoever else was in the movie was either so bad that I'm not gonna mention them or so good that they don't deserve to be mentioned in relation to this movie.

I'm going with a 1/5 for Aziz Mirza's Kismet Konnection. It's not as bad as it's made out to be, so maybe it's worth a one-time watch...in a cheap theatre. . .with no air-conditioning. . .